I like Pretty Little Liars. Not for the series itself (because I'm not a teenager), but for the internet happenings around it. Specifically, all those recaps, written by people far too old and jaded to take it
too seriously. Since PLL is on break, and ABC Family conveniently started airing Ravenswood in the meantime, I figured I'd watch that to get my dose of unearned fun every week.
However, Ravenswood turned out a bit different from PLL. I was so affected by how different, that I decided to recap it, which I have never done before. I just suddenly had so much to say.
This is me having fun with screencaps. For a written recap, go to
TWoP, where Jacob Clifton exhibits his glorious recapping skills. Really, there's nothing more (or better) to write on this topic. It has been written.
I apologize for that grammar mistake you will find in the post. If you're a native speaker, sorry. If you're not, good for you.
And now:
Previously on Ravenswood...
Miranda saw a ghost and made Remy drive off a bridge into the river, where the car managed to just bob on the surface until the paramedics came. Meanwhile the kids were trying to kill Miranda, because they were all in the water for a long time and are totally fine, but only she is now dying.
Now...
You just can't screw a ghost, right? So much trouble off the writers' backs.
So, Miranda, for unknown reasons, is now dead. And they're unplugging her right next to the other kids, who, however, don't exactly give a shit.
For some reason, the death of a person who was in the same accident as them, does
not draw their teenage brains away from themselves.
So good to finally have the parents coming, right? I'm sure they'll have much more perspective, if not for a teenager dying, then for their kids
almost dying.
The car casualties are clearly. a priority in Remy's book. Papa Beaumont, on the other hand, is mainly concerned with the fact that he is currently breathing the same air as Luke Matheson, because damn, if he
doesn't like that kid. Mama Matheson is with him, once she appears; dressed, as the depression-stricken and home-bound usually are, in a slick black and silver evening dress.
They bitch at each other. Madame Matheson probably has the same dead-girl filter as her kids, because when she spots the police officer, she literally goes "What are
you doing here?"
Caleb is bored, so he goes to the morgue and has some ghost-related shenanigans, while the pathologist goes to fetch a sandwich for him. To eat. In the morgue. After that they all pack up and go to their respective homes, presumably to bitch some more about how all the other people are completely insufferable and superfluous. Collins shuffles in and takes Miranda's body for burial, because police in Ravenswood are lightening-quick like that. Or maybe the whole thing is just not weird to them. Who knows. The Grunwald makes Collins take Caleb home.
Afterwards, at the Mathesons', Olivia finds out she was elected Homecoming Queen, even though someone slushied her at the parade and the general population of Ravenswood hates her. It brings smiles to the faces of the whole family, this substantial piece of news.
Then, unfortunately, she concludes that this high honor wasn't bestowed upon her insipid head for the right reasons, and it's time to cry again.
Luke was not sufficiently stimulated by all the actual-person-dying business, so he heads off to Remy's brightly lit yard, to snog on her brightly lit swing, because that's the place where Papa Beaumont just sees lions when he looks there.
In the night, Remy sleepwalks and is almost hit by a car, and I guess it's probably important.
Caleb, meanwhile, falls asleep and dreams about Miranda telling him do go fetch her goddamn purse for some reason, so he decides to almost lose his life doing exactly that the next day. He is also ghost-given a helpfully vandalized copy of
Leaves of Grass, because that's the only poetry ever referenced in North American entertainment.
The next day is school. Apparently Caleb no longer goes to school. He never went that much anyway, so what the heck. Remy, however, does go, but she promises to partake in his stupid idea to go fetch Miranda's purse on some other time. Then Caleb makes a glorious call to Hanna, mentioning dead (fine!) Miranda without so much as batting an eyelash.
At school, a big deal is made about Olivia's photo as HQ, and Tess receives a photo of her and vaguely antagonistic guy at a convenient time, signifying probably that even though, there were no other pointers, she really is anti-Olivia. Meanwhile, Luke is being ghosted.
Remy and Caleb go get Miranda's bag, are ghosted some more, and almost die. Collins has a passive-aggressive bitch-out with Grunwald, while he eats his dinner, again,
in the room where the bodies are.
Olivia comes home and just flat-out asks Michelle if she was cheating on that husband she allegedly killed. Why she doesn't just tell her to go fuck herself is beyond me, but maybe it's because they'd just have to hurl it at each other on every occasion given the chance. Instead, Michelle tries this.
Luke is unimpressed.
And finally, in the last big scene, Miranda materializes thanks to the material in her bag. Her make-up looks much better than before. The water did absolutely nothing to it.
Judging by the way they express themselves, maybe the secret is that
Michelle is Miranda's
real mother.
